Yay! It’s Finally Friday! Hello, All!
How are you, Folks? I hope this week was a pleasant one and that everyone came out of it unscathed. 😉 To be fair, I can honestly say that I am thrilled this first week of November is done and over with.
I may as well jump right into it…
My Week in a Nutshell:
Last Saturday sucked! Between my stalking incident in Walmart, which can be read here: https://beckiesmentalmess.blog/2019/11/04/mindfulness-monday-%e2%98%ae%ef%b8%8f-make-a-change-16/
The whole weekend was consumed with me feeling rather anxious and basically keeping to myself. Add that to insomnia and I’ve been a pure delight to be around. 🙄 NOT!
By Monday morning, I was on the phone with my old therapist. She was so nice and before I even made an appointment, she spoke to me and tried to help me put things into perspective over what happened over the weekend. Because of what took place last weekend, it triggered me and all the crap I had gone through in the past. Basically, the Damn broke and I was flooded. Unfortunately, the earliest appointment isn’t until the first week of December.
I had also been hit with a ton of mail pertaining to Medicare. Most of which was junk mail. However, I received another piece of mail pertaining to my continuation of disability. This has thrown my vibe off for the rest of the week. All I’ve thought about is I can’t go back to work, I can’t handle being around people. (Period). It’s not that I’m making excuses, I’m simply not equipped to “People”. If I were to get a job that I could do from home, perfect, but I don’t see that likely happening either.
Because of being a bundle of anxiety, my roommate ended up driving me to pick up my new glasses on Monday. It’s been 4 days, and I’m still adjusting to the new prescription. Seeing long distance is nice and crisp, but dealing with my laptop has been another story. 😵🤓
Thursday, I had my appointment with my psychiatrist. First, I requested and signed a release on my medical records. That should be received within 7-10 days. (I had also contacted the Orthopedic, but they have the audacity to charge a $1 a page, which was $25 in the end. I said screw that).
Anyway… I spoke to the caseworker before the psychiatrist. When she confirmed with me that I wanted to see my therapist again, I literally broke down. 😭 Yup, Niagra Falls fell out of my face. By the time I saw my psychiatrist, I was fried. I asked her about the disability form I received and she flat out said, “No way”, I can’t handle people either.
We discussed the medication I’ve been on and how I was feeling so darn good only a month ago, then plummet at a rapid speed. She even admitted I’m still going to have highs and lows of Bipolar 1 Manic symptoms regardless if I’m on meds. We just need to tweak them once again.
We were finishing up our discussion and I had it in the back of my mind that I still had to go to the supermarket afterward. I was so far from being in the correct frame of mind to go, but I didn’t have a choice.
I think I did my food shopping in under 15 minutes flat. I got home, put stuff away. Sat in front of my laptop and broke down all over again. 😭 That’s when I realized I couldn’t handle much more. I sent out a quick post and knocked out for three hours. I ate a little something, fell back to sleep. And, here I am at 2-ish am this morning writing this.
What really gets to me is this… I was so damn happy and was feeling great for nearly a month, so much so, that I told my therapist I didn’t need her. And, here I am once again feeling like I back at square one.
It’s almost 3am, and I’m hoping that today and over the weekend I calm down. I felt so bad when I couldn’t get a grip yesterday. I know the saying goes, “It’s okay to not be okay.” – Yet, I’m so angry at myself. It was like a cruel joke to feel that good, then have it taken away. It was something I initially feared, and look… It happened.
I don’t know… I’m obviously rambling now. I’ve got to go back to sleep. I guess I will see you when I eventually wake up tomorrow. (Oh, duh? It is tomorrow). ‘Nothing gets past me. LOL!
Okay, I’m done. I promise to catch up on comments and do my best to relax this weekend.
Thank you for listening to me ramble, for that matter… Listen to me whine about something I have whined about before in the past.
Take Care & God Bless,
Credits: Google Images and Pinterest