“In A Nutshell” – Weekly Check-In 11/01/2019 to 11/08/2019 – Warning, This Week Really Sucked and This Post Is Basically A Rant

Yay! It’s Finally Friday! Hello, All!

How are you, Folks?  I hope this week was a pleasant one and that everyone came out of it unscathed. 😉  To be fair, I can honestly say that I am thrilled this first week of November is done and over with.  

I may as well jump right into it…

My Week in a Nutshell:

Last Saturday sucked! Between my stalking incident in Walmart, which can be read here: https://beckiesmentalmess.blog/2019/11/04/mindfulness-monday-%e2%98%ae%ef%b8%8f-make-a-change-16/

The whole weekend was consumed with me feeling rather anxious and basically keeping to myself.  Add that to insomnia and I’ve been a pure delight to be around. 🙄 NOT!

By Monday morning, I was on the phone with my old therapist.  She was so nice and before I even made an appointment, she spoke to me and tried to help me put things into perspective over what happened over the weekend.  Because of what took place last weekend, it triggered me and all the crap I had gone through in the past.  Basically, the Damn broke and I was flooded. Unfortunately, the earliest appointment isn’t until the first week of December.

It occurs to me that I have not yet clearly defined the 6 types of abuse we most commonly run across. I’d like to take the opportunity to use this post to delve a little deeper into defining …

I had also been hit with a ton of mail pertaining to Medicare.  Most of which was junk mail.  However, I received another piece of mail pertaining to my continuation of disability.  This has thrown my vibe off for the rest of the week.  All I’ve thought about is I can’t go back to work, I can’t handle being around people. (Period).  It’s not that I’m making excuses, I’m simply not equipped to “People”.  If I were to get a job that I could do from home, perfect, but I don’t see that likely happening either.

Because of being a bundle of anxiety, my roommate ended up driving me to pick up my new glasses on Monday.  It’s been 4 days, and I’m still adjusting to the new prescription.  Seeing long distance is nice and crisp, but dealing with my laptop has been another story. 😵🤓

Thursday, I had my appointment with my psychiatrist.  First, I requested and signed a release on my medical records.  That should be received within 7-10 days.  (I had also contacted the Orthopedic, but they have the audacity to charge a $1 a page, which was $25 in the end.  I said screw that). 

Anyway… I spoke to the caseworker before the psychiatrist.  When she confirmed with me that I wanted to see my therapist again, I literally broke down.  😭 Yup, Niagra Falls fell out of my face.  By the time I saw my psychiatrist, I was fried.  I asked her about the disability form I received and she flat out said, “No way”, I can’t handle people either.  

We discussed the medication I’ve been on and how I was feeling so darn good only a month ago, then plummet at a rapid speed.  She even admitted I’m still going to have highs and lows of Bipolar 1 Manic symptoms regardless if I’m on meds.  We just need to tweak them once again.

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We were finishing up our discussion and I had it in the back of my mind that I still had to go to the supermarket afterward.  I was so far from being in the correct frame of mind to go, but I didn’t have a choice.

I think I did my food shopping in under 15 minutes flat.  I got home, put stuff away.  Sat in front of my laptop and broke down all over again. 😭 That’s when I realized I couldn’t handle much more.  I sent out a quick post and knocked out for three hours.  I ate a little something, fell back to sleep.  And, here I am at 2-ish am this morning writing this.

What really gets to me is this… I was so damn happy and was feeling great for nearly a month, so much so, that I told my therapist I didn’t need her.  And, here I am once again feeling like I back at square one.  

It’s almost 3am, and I’m hoping that today and over the weekend I calm down.  I felt so bad when I couldn’t get a grip yesterday.  I know the saying goes, “It’s okay to not be okay.” – Yet, I’m so angry at myself.  It was like a cruel joke to feel that good, then have it taken away.  It was something I initially feared, and look… It happened.

I don’t know… I’m obviously rambling now.  I’ve got to go back to sleep.  I guess I will see you when I eventually wake up tomorrow.  (Oh, duh? It is tomorrow).  ‘Nothing gets past me. LOL!

Okay, I’m done.  I promise to catch up on comments and do my best to relax this weekend.  

Thank you for listening to me ramble, for that matter… Listen to me whine about something I have whined about before in the past.

Take Care & God Bless,

Beckie 💗


BC 2019

Credits: Google Images and Pinterest






10 thoughts on ““In A Nutshell” – Weekly Check-In 11/01/2019 to 11/08/2019 – Warning, This Week Really Sucked and This Post Is Basically A Rant

Add yours

  1. I think the reality of chronic mental illness is that there will be ups and there will be downs. The downs don’t mean that you’ve failed or you haven’t done recovery right. And while the automatic way to look at it is probably that it’s not fair to have the good taken away, the flip side of that is that you were able to have that good, which means you’ll be able to have it again. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Ashley.
      It really was such a great feeling to have felt being that happy. It only took a couple of years to feel it, maybe in another few years I’ll feel it again.
      For now, I’m just so overly worn out. Honestly, I could go right back to sleep. I’m just not up for anything at all. 😘

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Beckie, I am so sorry you are going through such a roller coaster. Hugs and positive vibes being sent your way to help back you up.
    There was never a middle level with me, I was either really happy or down in the dumps. That all changed when I had my breakdown in the mid 80s when I was stripped of everything in my persona. My life is so much better now as I have Hubby in it. I am so bloody lucky to have him. Both of us are a little bit twitchy about the results of Dick and Co, though technically, there was nothing there as it had all been zapped already. But he was a different strain of cancer, and that’s the worry for me. Still, we shall find out in due course.
    Know what you mean about glasses………… I could either see the TV screen or write a letter, not switch between the two. Bi-focals made my head swim, so we tried varifocals and they have been really good. Will need a new prescription next time though, so already putting by the £250 – £300 needed as I have an antiglare, tint and sunlight transition because my eyes are quite sensitive. Not cheap, but if it’s only every three years or so, not bad I suppose.
    Rest up if you can, and only do what you feel able to do (funny, I hear an echo………. !!!!)
    ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Di.
      Maybe I would feel differently if I wasn’t alone and had the support like you have. You are so very lucky and blessed with having such a wonderful relationship.
      I wanted to get the better prescription, but I couldn’t afford it. IT would have taken me nearly 4-5 months to save for them.
      LOL! Yeah… There is an echo thing happening here.
      I am just going to take it easy today. I’m skipping prompts, and everything. I really need to shut down for a while. I’m just reading through some comments and going back to bed. 😴 😌


  3. Oh sweetie, I’m not surprised the disability form triggered you and the jerk at Walmart too. Shoot… I had a twinge and nudge from a piece of fiction I read. It was a man using threatening language about a woman. Your events were a lot more “in your face”.

    I’m horrible about trying to hold myself to standards I would NEVER expect for a friend. I remind myself that I’m NOT a superhero (big ego much? Sheesh!) and that I should treat myself the way I would a friend. I should be my own friend.

    Give yourself a break. You didnt just crawl under the bed in fear and anxiety. You took appropriate action to deal with the situation. I think you’re doing awesome even if it doesnt feel awesome. Mental health can be like physical… you’ve just got a bit of a kootie in your anxiety😘
    Hugs and loves 🤗🥰😍❤


  4. Well dang. BUT. Be kinder to yourself. Things will trigger those of us who walk the tight rope and sometimes those triggers will knock us off that rope and we have to make the climb again.

    Remember this. The happy amazing I’m fine feeling WILL COME BACK. It’s not gone FOREVER. It’s just temporarily unavailable. And I know that sucks.

    I’m not bipolar, but I’m probably bipolar II. Depression is my constant companion, but I cycle and sometimes I’m euphoric and think “Dang! Why don’t I feel like this ALL THE TIME??”

    I’m not presuming to know your situation as well as you do, but I have had similar experiences. These are some things I’ve learned as a result of them:

    Therapy is mandatory. It doesn’t have to be often, but a check in at least once a month is a good idea. Just to make sure the pressure valves are working and excess anxiety can be jetted in a safe environment.

    When a trigger occurs it’s best to get away from the source. If possible. If it’s IRL, leave the situation and go somewhere else for a while. Do something else. If it’s on-line, stop reading whatever it is that is doing the triggering, turn off the movie or show if that’s starting to trigger, and do something else. For me? Housecleaning and organizing my stuff is what I do to stop the trigger from turning into a full blown panic attack.

    Take the meds as scheduled and don’t miss. I’ve been known to stop my anti-depressants because I am too lazy (and that’s not hatin’ myself, I AM lazy) to get them refilled or because I just don’t want to. I pay. Later.

    If the trigger has caused a melt down, after things stabilize again, go do something nice for yourself – a spa day (if that’s your thing), a special treat (food) if that’s your thing, a long drive for no good reason (my thing)..buy a book or a CD or something on line that you’ve wanted. To remind yourself that although for a while there life was shit, it’s not like that PERMANENTLY.

    Lastly, the government sends out those $#!@ forms to EVERYONE. Apparently they do it every five to seven years at the minimum. Might be sooner, or might be longer. I got one myself this year and I freaked out. Just. Like. You. I filled the fuckin’ thing out, sent it back and I haven’t heard anything else about it. This year I noticed they got a bit nastier and threatened to cut off my payments if I didn’t do the paperwork. Not too subtle hints about how I really need to get a job. I wrote on the comments line that my physical self and mental status have gotten worse, not better, and that I can get medical professionals to back that up. I think that (I HOPE) took care of it for them and I won’t hear back again for another seven years.

    You’re GREAT!! I’ve found such a good simpatico with you. You do amazing work HERE and you’re helpful and supportive. You ROCK. Fuck the stalkers!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, Melanie. I’m so terribly sorry for the late reply. I turned off my laptop for the last few days. I really needed to “Time Out”.
      I greatly appreciate all your advice and kindness more than you can imagine.
      I do take all my medications when needed, in fact, they were tweaked again because I went off the deep end. I also scheduled an appointment with my therapist, and we are going to start going back to once a month until I feel a little stronger.
      My Psych flat out said, there is no way I can work, I seriously can’t handle people. (On here, it’s one thing), real-world… Ah, hell no.
      That jackass at Wally World, I hope his balls shrivel up and fall off. (I’m just going to be avoiding the store from now on), it’s a bad vibe Walmart, to begin with. It’s become really bad in the last year, I’ll shop somewhere else from now on.
      I did treat myself by playing with Peanut for hours. He is my little happy pill in bird form. He knows exactly what to do to either cheer me up, chill me out, or calmly talk me down. I love my baby boy so much.
      Thank you so very much again for your words of encouragement and for making me feel good about trying to help others. That’s all I usually want to do in the first place. 😘😍😘 Love You, Melanie!!!!


  5. I struggle with some of this as well. The point you made about how it feels cruel that you felt so good and now it feels like it was taken away, resonated. It’s hard. ❤️ The downs will become less deep, and less frequent, as you get your meds tweaked. It’s hard not to be angry at yourself, even though it’s not your fault – you’re more angry at the situation in general and the unfairness, I’m sure. Do whatever you feel like you need to for self care and try to remind yourself you’re doing everything you can and whatever that is, is ok. Don’t put pressure on yourself to have to be a certain way as you gets through it. Adding expectations to yourself that you might not be able to meet because some things are out of your control, makes the dip much worse in my experience. Many hugs sent your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you kindly for reading and your kind words.
      I took off WP for a few days to regroup and I’m happy I did. I didn’t realize how shaken up I really was until I crashed mentally and emotionally.
      The highs and lows are just something I have to accept from here on…. Even with the meds being tweaked… This is something tht I’ve dealt with since 2015.
      I’m no longer going to have anymore expectations towards it. It’s easier to just roll with how I feel from day to day.
      Thank you again… I greatly appreciate it.


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