Hello, All! Welcome back to “Working on Us” – A series that represents people with mental health illnesses/disorders.
Before I begin Week #21, I’d like to share with you all the participants that had responded to Week #20, Topic: Dissociative Identity Disorders aka (D.I.D.) I had requested bloggers to write a narrative based on this topic because I, myself had really no true knowledge of this particular disorder. I am grateful to those who have shared their stories with us.
Here are our participants for Week #20:
Melanie C., of “Sparks From a Combustible Mind”
Carol Anne, of “Therapy Bits”
Carol Anne, of Therapy Bit” (Part 2)
Week #21 Topic: Addiction and Obsession:
I would first like to say a big, Thank You! to Melanie C., of “Sparks From a Combustible Mind”, for suggesting this week’s topic. This particular topic is one I can relate to on so many levels.
One thing, I couldn’t quite decide to either ask questions pertaining to addiction/obsession or continue with the format that I’ve been using for the last few weeks, which has been writing a narrative of one’s experience.
With much consideration, I did lean towards either a narrative and/or a creative piece with regards to the following topic. I leave that choice up to you the blogger to decide which route you’d like to take.
(Note: I wasn’t initially going to post a prayer, but this particular prayer shared the many different substances as well as behaviors that an addict or obsessor faces).
As many of you already know, I am a recovering alcoholic. My sobriety date is August 14, 2015. I will always be a recovering alcoholic for as long as I live, and I can honestly admit, I am proud to be a recovering alcoholic because I wish, hope, and pray, that by my example and/or story, that one day it might help another.
I come from a long line of alcoholics from both sides of my family tree, but I don’t blame them, (like I used to). I take full responsibility. You see, I realize that alcoholism is a disease, and it was a source of self-medicating. I had no idea I had a mental illness/disorder until I admitted myself to the hospital for suicide ideation as well as attempts on my life.
Hi, my name is Beckie, and I’m an alcoholic. I began drinking at a very early age. I swore I never wanted to become anything like my father because he was a horrible individual when he drank. No, I wasn’t like him at all when I drank. I was funny, flirtatious, and a risk-taker. I was the true party girl back in my day. The Mid-1980s through to August 2015.
The party was no longer a party when all I kept thinking about was when my next drink would be. Or, obsessed about it. I assure you, I didn’t want to think about it, I didn’t want a drink of wine to be my first thought of the day, but it was. I would think about it as I got ready for work, my drive to work, while I worked, and plotted which liquor store to hit on my way home. I didn’t want to appear like I was an alcoholic to the places I bought my wine.
I actually kept track of the liquor stores I visited on a daily basis. Hell, who was I trying to kid? It was evident when they addressed me by name. I can’t even begin to stress to you the shame I felt. But, that didn’t stop me. Nothing was stopping me.
The constant lying, the hiding of it, the mood swings, they were nasty, vicious mood swings. I’d bite your head off as soon as look at you if I was in a mood. A majority of the time that mood included outbursts and an awful lot of crying. Terrible bouts’ of crying. I could go on for days and not get out of bed. However, I always had my wine with me. It got to the point that all I wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up ever again.
As soon as my ex-finance’ would leave for work, BAM!, I was filling up a huge tumbler with wine. (This was normally around 6:45am in the morning), then I’d begin crying all over again because I couldn’t stop this cycle of every day waking up feeling as if I could not get a handle of this addiction. I was simply existing, no life, relationship toast, (Even though he was a narcissist), my whole being was filled with hatred, self-loathing, and wanting nothing but to die.
There’s a saying or statement of some sort that goes a little like this. “It wasn’t your time. You are kept here for a reason and purpose.”
My mother knew I was sick, not just from alcoholism but from mental illness as well. Her own mother suffered from mental illness. To say the least, Mom swooped in and got me to the hospital. It was clear to them, I was an alcoholic, I even admitted it. It was then I learned I had Bipolar 1, Severe Depression, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, as well as PTSD and OCD.
I went through some intense therapy sessions and was given medication while in the hospital. When released, I was homeless and placed into a shelter. From that moment on, I knew if I wanted to survive, I’d have to fight like I never fought in my life. Outpatient programs, more therapy, and then was placed in a temporary housing facility. I continued to bust my ass by doing the right thing at all times, and making sure I pushed myself to get better.
Liquor stores were just down the road from where the house was. I could have easily gone down that horrible road and start drinking again. Hell, even when another traumatic event took place while living there… I didn’t drink.
I’ve since moved out of there, (April 2017). I collect SSDI not only for my mental illness but for my physical issues as well. I have been around people while their drinking, and when offered, I simply decline. It’s been 4.5 years now, and I haven’t had a drop of alcohol.
Do I have regrets? Yes, plenty of them. However, I can’t change what has taken place in the past. I have to concentrate on the here and now. Do I think about a drink from time to time? Yes. Generally speaking, it usually takes place when I’m sleeping, dreaming. Am I still ashamed of myself? No. Just the opposite. I’ve never been more proud of myself in my entire life. I beat this addiction, but I will always be a recovering alcoholic. I admit that proudly.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story here.
Help Break The Stigma Surrounding Mental Health
- Write your own post and create a pingback to the original post here.
- There are no right or wrong answers. Write in any format you see fit. (Answer’s, fiction, non-fiction, poetry, poem, short prose…anything, and/or narrative).
- You can do one or all prompts.
You have from October 30th. through November 5th. to submit your entries.
- Please reblog the original post in order to spread more awareness.
- ( If you the blogger have a suggestion/question you want to ask in the future weeks, please submit them in the comment section of this post).
- Let’s see if we can get some men involved in this week’s prompts, your viewpoint/feelings are validated here too!
- Plus, as an added bonus, whoever responds to the following prompts will automatically be reblogged to promote your blog site and spread more awareness!
Remember to create a pingback to this original post after you write your own post. Also, remember that this is not a prompt-based post. Please write a narrative. I really look forward to your responses. Or, maybe I should say “We” all look forward to one another’s responses.
Thank you in advance.
Take Care & God Bless,
Credits: Google Images, Pinterest