Hello, My Dear Blogging Buddies! Happy 1st. Day of Spring! and, Happy Hump Day!
As per a comment made in last weeks post of “Working on Me”, Mr. Inky of “Poetry From The Inkwell”, expressed that he missed the camel for “Happy Hump Day” … We aim to please here at this establishment, so without further ado, here is your camel, Mr. Inky!
So, Yesterday, I FINALLY had my visit with my therapist! It was a long time coming, and Wow! I didn’t realize how bad I was until I saw her call me into the office. It was like a rush of emotion took over and 10-15 minutes into discussing things that had been on my mind, I fell into pieces. Yup! ‘Break out the tissues time!’
Last week’s post of “Working on Me” I brought up my concerns of Trichotillomania (Excessive nail biting). When she looked at my hands, I could see he demeanor change and she shifted in her chair as if she was squeamish. Hell, I look at them every day, and I know how frightening they appear.
We then discussed what has been happening lately that is the cause for me to go all ballistic on my nails, (more so now, than ever). She stated that it was a compulsive behavioral disorder, which basically stems from my OCD. However, what was the trigger?
Things at home seem better, even though there is still quite a bit of work to do with around the house with my roommate. I’ve come to the conclusion, she is not going to a thing about any of it unless I talk and walk her through it. That’s fine with me… Just as long as stuff gets done.
I just redecorated my entire bedroom to reflect a more Zen-like feel. Even though I may have spent a little more than intended, I love it. But, my wallet is feeling the repercussions from my spending, which is kind of stressing me a little.
On a fixed income, it wasn’t the brightest thing for me to do all at once.
It was when my therapist asked me how my Mom was doing, did it finally hit me. Actually, it really wasn’t that something struck me down, it’s just that I have had these feelings pent up, and never talked about them with anyone. Hell, I barely touch on the subject matter here.
Here’s just a brief back round on my Mom. She just turned 73 on February 14th. I guess you can say she is my own personal Valentine’s because there is no man in my life. LOL!
Her health is awful, but she is the type that pushes herself so hard that she makes things worse for herself. She has Sjogren’s Syndrome which is an autoimmune disorder. It’s very hard for her to fight off colds, infections, and a whole heck of lot more. Her back is pretty much destroyed which she takes several opiates for. And when I had visited her last November, she had an infection in both ankles prior to me arriving, and they are still infected.
In recent months, when we speak on the phone, I have noticed her memory slipping a little more. One night only two weeks ago, she told me about something her aid and her did together, and five minutes later she repeated the same thing to me as if it were the first time telling me.
Then a week ago, she was going through her hope chest and reading some old letters and cards that were exchanged between her and her mother, or cards from my siblings and me. We were reminiscing about how funny my grandmother was, and that’s when my mother said, ‘Mom-mom was 72 when she passed away.’
I guess I suppressed the emotions of that conversation because I’ve basically been taking it out on myself. My therapist said that what I’m doing to myself was a form of self-harm. I didn’t even think about my nail-biting to be a form of self-harm, but when I looked back down at my hands… They are so red, swollen, and little infections are there.
When I was telling my therapist that my anxiety seems to have been on high alert lately, it really stemmed from thinking about my own Mom. It’s like I explained to her… I feel as if I’m bracing myself for the inevitable, almost, preparing for that God awful day, when my Mom is no longer here, and my best friend is gone. Even now, as I’m writing this, my eyes are welling up with tears all over again.
Another one of my concerns is I’m actually fearing how I’ll be when this time eventually comes. (Mentally speaking). Since late 2015, I have worked so damn hard at coping skills along with WRAP (my wellness toolbox).
My four-year sobriety date is August 14th, and I’m terribly fearful of going backward. In fact, it scares the living shit right out of me. But, with that being said, and knowing in my heart of hearts that I am so conscious of it, there are several factors of me not going back into drinking again. I do have faith in myself to not go there ever again. It’s just there, lingering in my head.
I’m awfully scared too of the fact that because I have suffered from severe depression, how this will affect me overall. Hell, I still grieve over my ex-husband’s death from 2005.
I can feel myself rambling here, and I’m gonna close soon.
The end result of my visit with my therapist is that we are going to work on this impending doom feeling as well as finding a solution to get through the intensity of my nail-biting. I have to work on finding ways to stop myself from this problem when the moment occurs. That part is going to be a little hard because I don’t even realize I’m doing it. But, I will make an effort at catching myself before I do any further damage.
I am being realistic about the fact that no one lives forever, but trying to convince myself that I’ll be okay when that horrible day eventually comes is truly a hard one for me to swallow.
In the meantime, I’m just going to continue to keep myself as busy as possible and try not to dwell on what’s going to happen in the future. I have to remind myself to stay in the ever so present moment.
Alright, this concludes this week, “Working on Me” – I’m terribly sorry if I rambled there for a while. This is why it’s so important for me to continue working on mindfulness, and my meditation.
Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey in bettering myself.
Take Care & God Bless,
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