Hello, my friends…
I hope this post finds you all well today.
Last week’s post of “Working on Me” I wrote about a family member facing homelessness and how it triggered me. Instead of letting my feelings eat me alive, plus for the mere fact that my mother was very insistent in speaking to me about it, we did talk.
To be honest, I was truly afraid of what might fall out of my face, due to the anger and insecurity I felt. Again, this trigger was one that really affected me and I didn’t see it coming. However, if I had held in those emotions I was feeling at that moment, the intensity of these feelings would have caused more damage.
As most of you know, I turn to a book that my therapist had given to me many months ago called “The Language of Letting Go”, by Melody Beattie. Being that I am a recovering alcoholic with a mental illness, I tend to utilize this book as part of my coping skills. I’d like to share with you what I turned to when I was coping with a triggering moment. It’s called…
Times of Reprogramming:
… Recovery is not tiresome, unrewarded work. There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned. There are times of change, times when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particular problem.
These are the times when what we’ve been practicing in recovery begins to show in our life. These times of change are intense but purposeful.
There are also times when, at a deep level, we are being “reprogrammed.” We start letting go of beliefs and behaviors. We may feel frightened or confused during these time. Our old behaviors or patterns may not have worked for us, but they were comfortable and familiar.
You see… The trigger automatically made me start to internalize my feelings instead of releasing them in the proper way. (Yes, I certainly didn’t hold it in when it came to writing what was on my mind last week), but I was fearful of allowing myself to speak my mind to my mother about it. I almost went back to my old behaviors. Yet, I didn’t.
Although the subject matter was a painful one, I slowly explained how I was feeling about the situation, as well as how I felt in regards to the family dynamic. During the conversation, I even said quite bluntly… “My feelings are validated.” (Meaning)… What had happened in the past truly messed me up. I refuse to hold these feelings in!
I faced the conversation with hesitance in the beginning, but as I was speaking I felt this revelation of sorts. ‘Damn, I’m either out of my mind speaking this way, or I have truly grown since that incident three years ago.’
… Recovery is a healing process. We can trust it, even when we don’t understand it. We are right where we need to be in the process; we’re going through exactly what we need to experience. And where we’re going is better than any place we’ve been.
Since last week, I have been fairly calm after that conversation with my mom. I am grateful that she listened to everything I had said to her.
Last evening when I was talking to my mom, I asked about the family member that triggered all the raw emotions. To be honest, the answer was of no surprise to me. They are homeless. It does break my heart that this person had chosen to be stubborn and allow their pride to dictate their outcome, but this person refuses to seek help from organizations that can help them.
Naturally, we are all concerned for this family member, and I can honestly say that my mother and I are praying for them. However, at the same time, neither one of us can make ourselves ill over worrying. If this person feels they know what is best for them, so be it. There is nothing any of us can do if they turn down help.
Before I close, I want to leave you with the following prayer that I read at the end of the entry I read from the book.
Today, God, help me believe that the changes I’m going through are for the good. Help me believe that the road I’m traveling will lead to a place of light, love, and joy.
Thank you for reading.
Take Care & God Bless,