Hello, My Dear Friends.
I hope today finds you all well and looking forward to the upcoming weekend. I’m hoping to get rid of a migraine that I have had since Monday. I plan on just relaxing and decompressing.
This past Wednesday, I wrote in my series, “Working on Me” about what was taking place in my family. I rarely share anything about my family dynamic for several reasons. Some of those reasons I listed in that post. One reason, I left out though.
According to Wikipedia, Trauma Triggers is an event causing traumatic memories or feelings to resurface.
Since this past Tuesday evening when I spoke to my family member that is facing being homeless and told to keep it secret… The cat was let out of the bag the following day. My mother learned what was happening.
We spoke briefly about it yesterday morning. I was silent for most of the short conversation because I literally felt my own triggers of the past swallow me whole. As soon as I heard that this family member might be saved and moved down to Florida, I instantly began to shake uncontrollably.
You see, back when I was homeless in 2016. There was a family discussion that I would come down with the rest of my family and my mother & I would live together in order to help us both out. That had never taken place. It was around the time of my 50th birthday, the family left without even saying goodbye. I was packed and ready to go, but they chose not to take me after all. Hell, even on my 50th birthday, I never even got a phone call.
While my mother spoke yesterday, I literally couldn’t form words. Between a migraine and not sleeping well for two nights in a row, I was dumbfounded. Again, the conversation triggered all the raw emotions that I had inside of me. I had to end the call with my mom abruptly due to these feelings of what took place 2 years ago.
The feelings of abandonment, rejection, hurt, anger, hatred, betrayal, you name it… It engulfed me. Hell, it wasn’t until 3 months after they all left did I finally get a phone call from my mother. I was simply told that she hadn’t said goodbye to anyone because it would have hurt too much and that moving was a rush to get down there. (This was supposed to lighten the blow?) I was even more hurt after that conversation back then. Yet, I let it go. I moved forward.
Back to yesterday…
My mom tried texting me and even left a message to call her back right away. I simply couldn’t, not in the frame of mind I was in. I was so afraid of talking to her because of what I might scream out.
After a few hours had passed; a few hours of venting to my roommate and listening to her give me very good advice about not reacting suddenly and canceling my trip to Florida this upcoming November, I still brewed over all the intrusive thoughts that were stirring inside of me.
I’m not gonna lie and say I didn’t check out the airline’s cancellation policy… That was one of the things I looked into first. As silly as this might sound, but I was seriously thinking most of the morning away about adopting a guinea pig. (I blame Ashley, of “Mental Health @ Home.”) LOL! She just adores cuddling with her fur babies, and I really needed to cuddle with something other than my roommate’s nutty dog. But, I never did get the guinea pig. Damnit! 🙂
I instead returned my mom’s text, and just told her I needed time to just chill out. However, that didn’t work either. Instead, she called me right away. We talked, I cried for the most part (although I tried like hell not too). All I wanted to do was hide under the covers and sleep. It was another short conversation.
It was much later, in the early evening last night my mother called to talk again. This time, I talked. I explained all of the above all over again like I had 2 years ago. How all of this triggered every dark emotion I had felt back then, and how it resurfaced in such a way I was disgusted. It’s not like I wanted this feeling to come back. Damn, I have tried to let things from the past go. Heck, I was even reminded to let it go.
Today, I woke up after yet another evening of really not sleeping all that great. My migraine is not as bad, I’m just emotionally exhausted. As I mentioned earlier in this post… I plan on decompressing this weekend. Move on, move forward, let it go. I have decided to still go to Florida to visit my mother because, I, in fact, love her very much. I realize there is no such thing as the perfect family. “The Brady Bunch” and “Little House on The Prairie’s” families are just stories of families that get along and make things work out in a half hour to an hour episode.
I obviously dealt with my trigger by venting and writing about it.
How and what do you do when you have been triggered? How do you overcome it?
Thank you for reading.
Take Care & God Bless,