~*~ Trauma Triggers & Time to Decompress ~*~

Hello, My Dear Friends.  

I hope today finds you all well and looking forward to the upcoming weekend.  I’m hoping to get rid of a migraine that I have had since Monday.  I plan on just relaxing and decompressing.

This past Wednesday, I wrote in my series, “Working on Me” about what was taking place in my family.  I rarely share anything about my family dynamic for several reasons.  Some of those reasons I listed in that post.  One reason, I left out though.

Triggers.  

According to Wikipedia, Trauma Triggers is an event causing traumatic memories or feelings to resurface.

Since this past Tuesday evening when I spoke to my family member that is facing being homeless and told to keep it secret…  The cat was let out of the bag the following day.  My mother learned what was happening.  

We spoke briefly about it yesterday morning.  I was silent for most of the short conversation because I literally felt my own triggers of the past swallow me whole.  As soon as I heard that this family member might be saved and moved down to Florida, I instantly began to shake uncontrollably.

You see, back when I was homeless in 2016.  There was a family discussion that I would come down with the rest of my family and my mother & I would live together in order to help us both out.  That had never taken place.  It was around the time of my 50th birthday, the family left without even saying goodbye.  I was packed and ready to go, but they chose not to take me after all.  Hell, even on my 50th birthday, I never even got a phone call.  

While my mother spoke yesterday, I literally couldn’t form words.  Between a migraine and not sleeping well for two nights in a row, I was dumbfounded.  Again, the conversation triggered all the raw emotions that I had inside of me.  I had to end the call with my mom abruptly due to these feelings of what took place 2 years ago.

People start to #heal the moment they feel heard. Need some healing today? www.ThriveFamilyServices.com

The feelings of abandonment, rejection, hurt, anger, hatred, betrayal, you name it…  It engulfed me.  Hell, it wasn’t until 3 months after they all left did I finally get a phone call from my mother.  I was simply told that she hadn’t said goodbye to anyone because it would have hurt too much and that moving was a rush to get down there.  (This was supposed to lighten the blow?) I was even more hurt after that conversation back then.  Yet, I let it go.  I moved forward. 

Back to yesterday…

My mom tried texting me and even left a message to call her back right away.  I simply couldn’t, not in the frame of mind I was in.  I was so afraid of talking to her because of what I might scream out.

After a few hours had passed; a few hours of venting to my roommate and listening to her give me very good advice about not reacting suddenly and canceling my trip to Florida this upcoming November, I still brewed over all the intrusive thoughts that were stirring inside of me.  

I’m not gonna lie and say I didn’t check out the airline’s cancellation policy…  That was one of the things I looked into first.  As silly as this might sound, but I was seriously thinking most of the morning away about adopting a guinea pig.  (I blame Ashley, of “Mental Health @ Home.”)  LOL!  She just adores cuddling with her fur babies, and I really needed to cuddle with something other than my roommate’s nutty dog.  But, I never did get the guinea pig.  Damnit!  🙂

I instead returned my mom’s text, and just told her I needed time to just chill out.  However, that didn’t work either.  Instead, she called me right away.  We talked, I cried for the most part (although I tried like hell not too).  All I wanted to do was hide under the covers and sleep.  It was another short conversation.

It was much later, in the early evening last night my mother called to talk again.  This time, I talked.  I explained all of the above all over again like I had 2 years ago.  How all of this triggered every dark emotion I had felt back then, and how it resurfaced in such a way I was disgusted.  It’s not like I wanted this feeling to come back.  Damn, I have tried to let things from the past go.  Heck, I was even reminded to let it go.

Letting go isn’t a one-time thing, it’s something you have to do everyday, over and over again. – Dawson’s Creek

Today, I woke up after yet another evening of really not sleeping all that great.  My migraine is not as bad, I’m just emotionally exhausted.  As I mentioned earlier in this post…  I plan on decompressing this weekend.  Move on, move forward, let it go.  I have decided to still go to Florida to visit my mother because, I, in fact, love her very much.  I realize there is no such thing as the perfect family.  “The Brady Bunch” and “Little House on The Prairie’s” families are just stories of families that get along and make things work out in a half hour to an hour episode.  

"When in recovery from an addiction, feelings and emotions can often be overwhelming. Here are 5 ways to approach triggering emotions in sobriety. Take a look." www.HealthyPlace.com

I obviously dealt with my trigger by venting and writing about it.

How and what do you do when you have been triggered?  How do you overcome it?

Thank you for reading.

Take Care & God Bless,

Beckie

 

 

 

 

11 comments

  1. Damn Beckie, this was such an amazing and powerful post with so much I can relate to. I know I have a lot of feelings that I ignore and bottle up, but when that bottle bursts it isn’t good. I have a lot of hostile feelings towards my mother from the past. I am so sorry things didn’t go well with your mother and the feelings you have towards all that has happened. I think you did the right thing by cancelling your trip. You know yourself and what you need and what you need is more important than anything else! You need to do what makes you happy. You are doing such an amazing job and I am SO proud of you. Thank you for this post as it really does resonate with me.

    I have honestly been trying for YEARS to find a way to let go of the feelings I have towards my mother. If I ever told her everything I remember about my childhood, I fear it would break her. She is very weak about things and then takes things too far. Maybe someday I can write out what I actually remember and she can just read it without me speaking it. Somethings are too painful to relieve.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I didn’t cancel the trip. I’m still going.
      Yes, what was done was very painful, but it wasn’t just done by her. It was a family thing.
      I did discuss all the feelings and told her that the recent events did in fact, trigger the hell out of me.
      When I was younger, I would hold in so much until the point I would make myself sick over it. Mostly, it was because of my father.
      However, since my mental illness has been addressed, and I’ve learned coping skills, I have treid to utilize them by means of writing all of my emotions out.
      The recent trigger needed to be discussed with my mother. I had no choice. If I had held it in, I would worse off.
      It’s like the old saying goes, “You can pick your friends and not your family.”
      I do love my mother dearly and I feel the need to go down there because she is not getting any younger. I have put my feelings into perspective.
      Again, I have to let go and move forward. Holding on to the negative thoughts will only eat me alive.
      How old is your mother? Do you live close by? If you feel so strongly about things from the past and they affect you in your present life… It ight be best to write that letter you speak of. At least get it out of your system. (You don’t necesarily have to give it to your mom) but, write it for yourself. Don’t allow yourself to have all these bottled up emoitions fester and boil over.
      In the beginning of when I was homeless, espeially when the family up and left… I had been keeping a journal. I spilled my guts into that.
      It was that Sept 2016, when I started the blog. The best suggestion is to write a journal and allow yourself to free all the pent up feelings inside. Then, maybe one day… you can have a talk with your mom. That’s only if you feel comfortable enough to.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am so glad you didn’t cancel your trip. It will be fun to get away and have sometime with your mother!
        I might write the letter to my mother someday, but I do not know when. She is getting ready to turn 55. She had me young, so we kind of grew up together. She lives about 30 minutes from me.
        It is good you kept a journal during those difficult times in your life. I am sure it helped you so much!

        Liked by 1 person

      • My mom will be turning 73 in February. Although I knew it would be hard on her, I had to share with her how I was triggered. I’m happy she understood.
        Seriously… I’d write the letter you would want to write your mom. You don’t have to give it to her, just knowing you got your feelings out of you does help an awful lot. I find that writing truly cleanses the soul.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s