“Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Oh My”

 

Hello, my friends and fellow bloggers.  Hope this post finds you all well today.

This past week, I haven’t written much with the exception of just checking in.  Even now, I’m finding it hard to write.  I have so much inside of me that wants to pour out but fear sounding like a broken record because of all I have done since the beginning of July is basically rant.  

For those of you that follow me, I usually post positive quotes, I meditate, I try to inspire people to see the silver lining through the darkest of clouds.  Heck, even my motto is “Never give in, and never give up.”  However, I found myself at a crossroads so to speak.  

I have spent a majority of July suffering from withdrawals of Klonopin.  Afterward, I have spent the rest of my time trying to obtain health insurance, cheaper auto insurance, deal with the powers that be at Social Services, file a claim because I found fraud on my Direct Express Disability account, and argue with Xfinity Comcast for doubling the cost of my mother’s internet service.  And…  That’s just a few things I have shared over the course of time.

Countless hours on the phone and computer trying to get some control over my life, and feeling as if everyone I have spoken to giving me the runaround or blatantly lying to me.  

My “Never give in, and never give up” motto was slowly falling apart.  My positive outlook was turning negative by the minute.  My anxiety and depression were taking full control of me.  My self-care has been affected, meditation out the window and worse of all, my love for blogging and reading took a massive hit.  All of these (what may seem trivial to some) made me feel guilty and ashamed.  I simply couldn’t write about being positive, because that made me feel like a hypocrite.  

This past Tuesday, 08/07/2018, I had a visit with my so-called psychiatrist (The quack that took over while my real doctor is on medical leave).  My anger towards this quack came out of me like lava boiling over.  I basically told her off in regards to not weening me off of the Klonopin correctly, and brought to her attention that I had been speaking to her nurse and found out she lied in my case file about telling me to quit taking another medication, (Lexapro), then her notes said she contacted the patient and told her it was okay to stay on 10mg of the Lexapro.  Note:  This quack and I only spoke once on the phone.  Not three times according to her notes in my file.  

I had also learned that this so-called quack was leaving the mental health facility come September.  With this little bit of knowledge, before leaving her office, I made it perfectly clear that I was thrilled to see her leave based on all the reasons I stated.  Did I feel better after ripping her apart?  Not particularly.  I thought I would, but I still felt the same.  Angry and depressed.

I then went to the pharmacist to pick up two medications.  Trazadone and Lamictal, even with the discount card, it came to $70 out of pocket.  When I got back home, I logged everything into my budget and broke down into tears realizing that I had close to $200 left in my account for the month after all my bills were paid.  

Wednesday, I get an email confirming the (What I thought was real medical insurance).  I read over all the particulars and realized it was basically a discounted medical provider.  Basically, I’d still be paying out of pocket cost, plus paying this so-called medical insurance to boot per month.  Thank goodness for receiving this email when I did.  I have 30 days from the time of signing on to get a full refund.  

Thursday, it took what little motivation left inside of me to gather at the park for our personal anxiety group.  I’m truly happy I did get outside and hang with them.  Talking helped, but watching the squirrels running around and collecting stale crackers that my friend JT was tossing them was enjoyable.  

Friday, I woke up rather numb after only sleeping less than 2 hours of sleep.  It was later in the afternoon, my mother calls me in a panic her computer has a virus.  She is elderly, and not tech savvy by any stretch.  A message appeared to call a number for further instructions.  She did, and now she can’t operate her computer.  I Googled the number to find out that it was spam.

Back on the phone with Xfinity Comcast.  I actually got a very nice and helpful customer service rep on the phone this time.  I explained what happened, and he took his notes.  I was even able to get a new promotion to lower the cost of the billing per month.  However, my mom wasn’t up to fixing the problem over the phone when I called her back to say we were going to have a 3-way phone conversation to resolve the internet service or lack thereof. 

So, here we are, it’s Saturday.  After my mom wakes from her nap, I have to make another call to Xfinity Comcast with the hopes of resolving the internet connection.  She has anti-virus programs on her computer.  The damn thing is only a year and one month old.  It was a present that I gave her last July when I went to visit her in Florida.

As you can see after reading this extremely lengthy post…  This is why I haven’t been blogging.  I’ve been doing nothing but “Never giving in, and never giving up.”  I’ve done nothing but fight to keep afloat.  If all goes well with my mother’s internet service, I will be thrilled.  

Come Monday, I will be canceling the so-called medical insurance for the full refund.  I have no choice but to wait until April 2019 to get Medicare, because that is when I’ll be disabled a full two years.  I suppose I just have to grin a bear it with my bad knees and back without medical attention until then.  I don’t know what else to do.

As far as my blogging goes…  I’ll slowly be back in the game.  I just need to clean up some loose ends and try to get back in the right frame of mind.  It’s not going to happen overnight, but I’ll get there.

Okay, before this post actually turns into a book.  I’m going to close for now.  Thank you to all of you sending me warm wishes and prayers.  You guys are the absolute best!

Take Care, God Bless, and Many, Many Hugs to you ALL!

Beckie