First, Merry Christmas to all my fellow bloggers and your family & friends!
Since I began my blog back in September 2016, I have only mentioned my immediate family a couple of time. Did you know I have a brother an sister? Yeah, they are twins and six years younger than me. Obviously, this makes me the eldest child of three.
My family unit was tested on more than a few occasions by my alcoholic father. My mother, brother and I took the brunt of the emotional, mental and at times physical abuse. Then there was my little sister, aka “Golden Child” that was spared on those occasions, to which I never understood why.
During the time that my parents were going through their divorce, my mother tried to commit suicide. My sister was the one that found our mother and called 911. It was my father that called me out of the blue to tell me of the ordeal. The tone of his voice indicated that he was almost happy my mother attempted at least. He was therefore restricted to see my mother in any way, shape or form.
Fast Forward through time…
The day I got married, my brother walked me down the aisle instead of “Daddy Dearest” I didn’t want him to ruin my day and continue ruining my mother’s life. Besides, I only thought it was better than my brother walk by my side, and that my sister was my maid of honor.
For a long while, us siblings were pretty darn close.
It wasn’t until my very own divorce, and then the death of my ex-husband did things change between my sister and me. It was as if she sat on her pedestal, and look down her nose at me for being a failure. The one thing that disturbed me was how she couldn’t quite understand how I could be so heartbroken over my ex-husband’s death. She actually told me to get over it once. You see, I still loved my husband even after our divorce, we had spent 15 years together. It was only the last year and a half that we had grown apart, and wanted different things.
Fast Forward Once Again…
Because of my depression growing stronger with every painful passing day, I had attempted to take my life back in October 2009. (First failed attempt). My mother and brother were concerned, but my sister looked at me with such disdain. I could feel the grips of judgment tearing me further down.
From there on, she really didn’t want anything to do with me. She even refused me of seeing my niece ever again. “Golden Child” was becoming a bit tarnished, and more like my father.
I tried desperately to move on with my life, and start dating again. Things were fairly decent with my new found love, and we were soon engaged. But that too unraveled within seven years, in fact, two years after our engagement, I was considered useless… A discard, if you will. I served a purpose of contributing money towards the bills, which helped him in the long run because he had a hefty child support payment to make monthly. My unemployment had run dry during the recession, and the child support was paid in full. The day after Christmas is when his daughter and he decided I was no longer needed.
Unemployed, broken relationship and badgered weekly on how he wanted to throw me out, didn’t care if I was homeless, and being told “I’m done with you”, was followed by me quickly seeping down into the dark rabbit hole.
Once again, I found myself thinking of suicide on a 24/7 basis. I was useless, nothing, no pride, no hope, just existing and collecting dust.
Woosh, back in the hospital I went.
By now, my sister took pity on me, and it was all that I could bear, by being berated anymore. I was helping my mother pack to move to Florida. My sister didn’t exactly feel as if I was moving fast enough or doing a good enough job, at least not to her standards. She proclaimed I was a weakling, to mild, and pathetic. She egged me on, to the point of breaking me down into a puddle of tears.
Oh, yes… She definitely turned into my father, hands down. A heartless, judgemental, class A bitch!
Over time, I was still attending the mental health facility, and concentrating on working on me, for me. My self-esteem, pride, self-awareness, self-love, learning how to embrace feeling worthy again, etc… It was a long uphill climb, and I continue on this journey every day.
Back in July of this year, I had gone don to visit my mother in Florida. I really had no intentions of seeing my sister and her family. To be honest, I sort of worked myself up into a dither at the mere thought of it. But, surprisingly enough, even after my sister studied me like a science project, I felt as if the shroud of judgment meant nothing to me.
The chains were finally broken! I no longer felt timid and mild, weak and insignificant. I no longer seek the approval from “Bitchy Poo” up on the judgmental pedestal. In fact, I forgave her for being exactly like our father.
After all these years, I finally found strength and a voice in me, that was never going to back down ever again. I’d rather be a sensitive, heartwarming, loving and kind soul than to be a heartless, cruel, wench as she.
I don’t seek approval, or acceptance from anyone. I first have to be happy with me. The rest will either fall into place, or it doesn’t… It’s up to me. I choose to do just that. Simply be me. 🙂
Don’t ever allow someone to chisel away at the person you are. They are not worth your time and effort to mend a relationship, especially if they’re the ones that destroyed it in the first place.