How is Everyone doing today? and/or early this evening? (Depending upon where you reside).
Today was fairly decent for me. I had my psychiatrist appointment scheduled, yet again to “Tweak” my meds. Actually, it was my bad. I had misunderstood her instructions regarding the dosage of my Neurontin, aka (Gabapentin). I thought I was to take 900 ml a day but was only advised to take 600 ml. “My bad.” And… This may be the reason behind me being so overly forgetful, and easily sidetracked. Which my friends call “Squirreled.” As if we are dog’s that jump at the chance when something catches their attention. After that was straightened out, I had my next appointment with my therapist. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… I just love her.” Her insight and ability to listen to me ramble on for 45 minutes, is truly helpful. She makes me reflect on certain memories, the good, bad and the ugly. All in all, a good session.
The most ironic thing to happen to me today was the driver that picked me up today. I usually use the Lyft car service when don’t have other means of getting to my appointments. His name was Makesh. A 65-year-old Hindu. “You know the saying…God puts people in your life for a reason?” Well, I think God worked in mysterious ways with the ride home today. Makesh was intuitive with what I’ve lately been writing about. He covered a realm of natural remedies, meditation, mantras, and the meaning of “Om.” As he spoke, it was as if he was guiding me to understand the fundamentals and perspective on my quest for self-discovery and spiritual awakening. This ride home had nothing to do with me talking about the subject matter, it all began with a simple “Hello, how are you this afternoon?” It was as if we were synchronized in the same pattern of thought. Here it is… I had literally just started this blog entry yesterday, and here is this man I never met before until today, sharing his experiences with spiritual awakening, and finding the meaning in life. He delighted me the whole trip home. I actually wished that we could speak more, but he had another ride scheduled to pick up. “Poof”, Makesh was gone. A 15-minute drive added light to my already inquisitive mind.
“As far back as I can remember, I have always been hard on myself. I criticized everything about myself. My hair, body image, conscious of how loud I laughed, you name it. I was my own worse enemy. Although I received compliments, I never took it to heart. I just figured people were just trying to be nice to me, and it was just a passing statement. The funny thing that I accepted was a compliment on my eyes. I will admit, that was the only thing that I did like about myself.” LOL!!
This past 2 years, I had gained so much weight due to taking Seroquel for my insomnia. However, this sets off a chain of events by craving sugary and salty foods. “Little Debbie’s, Oatmeal Cream Pies had no chance around me.” I may as well have put the box up to my face like a feed bag. Through all of this and my physical problems with my knees and back, I was a disaster. It also didn’t help with my mental health issues of being severely depressed. But… Through this entire bout of feeling down, I tried desperately to find the positive in anything, because that is what I was taught. I was re-learning how to become the new me. Focus less on the negative, and more so on the positive, which was the hardest thing to do under the circumstances in which my life spiraled as far down as you can get.
I had to restructure my whole way of thinking. My initial thoughts were “Was it too late for me to begin anew?” – “How in the hell was I going to fix what was broken?” – “Was the therapist and case workers encouraging me to chase a dream that was in the distance, never to be caught up to?” My racing thoughts of these very questions kept me up all night at times. “How was I ever going to reach being able to feel happiness, and guttural laughter again?”
Although I had made outstanding friends within the walls of that temporary housing facility, I became isolated by choice. I still kept my appointments for the therapist, psychiatrist, and my anxiety group, but I had also joined a women’s group through the housing facility. We met every other Monday. It wasn’t a large group, but it was a group of women that were engaged in conversations, and helping one another out with suggestions through the rough patches of existing in the world we had come to know. I will admit this, It was empowering at times. I would leave there feeling pretty good about myself. However, the isolation that I placed myself in, was to regain what little self-confidence that I was lacking.
It has been several months in the making to learn more about myself and to find purpose. As I said yesterday, that is why I began a blog in the first place. It was my personal journey I wanted to share with others and to empower them as well. To educate, and be here for a support. Yet, I still had to find out “Who am I?” Seriously, “Who was the real me?”
“My new beginning was the day I was admitted into the hospital on August 16, 2015.”
The very first thing I learned, was to stop beating myself up.
I will continue this search of self-discovery & spiritual awakening with you folks tomorrow. I haven’t eaten a thing all day, and I am rather ravenous at this point. LOL!! No, no “Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Cream Pies” I promise you that.
I hope you have a wonderful evening.
Take Care & God Bless, Beckie