August 7, 2017: Who Am I? Who Are You? My Decision to Find Me… (Part 1)

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Good Evening My Friends.  I hope everyone has had a pleasant weekend and you are well rested for the upcoming week ahead of you.  I’ve got to say, I really enjoyed this weekend.  Saturday, was all consuming by setting up my diffuser and concoctions in order to relax, unwind and explore the idea of this item assisting me to get a restful night’s sleep.  “I am pleased to announce that it actually did!!”  However, again, this may not be helpful to others, but it certainly impacted my sleep pattern. On Sunday, after a splendid nights rest, I, my roommate and mutual friends got together to go to Duke Island Park in Somerset County, N.J., and enjoy several food trucks to choose from, and listen to the Duprees perform.  What a great time to enjoy sitting outdoors.  It wasn’t hot and muggy outside, and the park was filled with people of all ages.  The Duprees sound system could have been considerably better, but it was fun singing along to the oldies but goodies.  “Volarie…  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa…” was awesome. What was even better, was to watch the elderly couples holding one another close, and dancing to the harmony that filled the evening air.  How I envied them.  The history they must have had together, seemingly, seeped to my core of being to watch them share yet, another memory together.  All in all, a very enjoyable evening to spend with friends.
After the evening was coming to a close, and the “Good Byes” were exchanged, I went upstairs into my room and proceeded with my night time ritual of getting settled.  Obviously, setting up my diffuser with potion’s was high on my “List of Things to do”, but also taking off several pillows on my bed, turning the covers down, changing my clothes, and refilling my vapor modular, was it then I turned on my computer to post positive quotes of inspiration to my Facebook page.  I also checked into my Reddit to see if there were any new updates.  However, I kept reflecting on the evening that I had just had.  In fact, it was wonderful to reflect on the times that I have had over the last few months. How, for the first time in years I have sincerely smiled, and laughed.  How that I found myself being happy could yet happen again, especially after having the worse few years of my life were  “Hopefully” behind me.  

“The world is before you and you need not take it or leave it as it was when you came in.”  –  James Baldwin

A few months back I wrote about “Defining Self” and “Sense of Self.”   I now turn my attention to “My Journey of Self-Discovery.”  Self-Discovery is discovering a process in which you are, becoming more aware of your true potential, character, and motive.  Learning more about yourself and who you are.  “Do you know who you are?”  I can honestly admit, I didn’t know who I truly was up until the last year in a half, but more so up until recent months.  “And, still learning.”  

Happiness comes from you and no one else.

It wasn’t the case of being ignorant towards what made me happy, it was the absence of knowing HOW to be happy by being my true self.  I had no idea who my true self-was. I lived with this feeling for most of my life.  Don’t get me wrong…  I wasn’t a complete bump on a log or the dullest human being known to all that knew me, it was that I wasn’t exactly being truthful to myself.  Think of it this way…  “How many hats do you wear each day? The wife/husband hat, daughter/son hat, sister/brother hat, boss/co-worker hat, etc… “Hats for all sizes, and all different occasions.” – “Which hat did you find the most comfort in? ” – “Which hat made you feel like the real you?”  Are these difficult questions to answer?  They are to me.  I felt like my   “Hat” was more like a “Mask” to hide me.  This is when it dawned on me… “Why was I wearing all these damn hats, and mask?”  Was I going to a masquerade party?  Nah, I’m not a real partier.  LOL!!!
As I mentioned, it wasn’t until recent months that this self-discovery started to form.  In prior posts, I obviously shared with you what my fears and anxieties are and what keeps my mind racing.  In other words, a very unstable road in which to travel.  But, I was persistent in finding “Me.”  Thank goodness for all the work, and help I got along the way.  I always have gratitude towards the people that got me to this point.  They included the mental health facility, caseworkers, friends, and definitely without fail, my mom.  
My self-discovery is obviously intensely personal.  As it would be for every individual.  My personal journey for self-discovery included digging in deep within my childhood memories.  Whether the memories were enjoyable, sorrowful, ecstatic, wretched or shaken (Not stirred).  I revisited all of these emotions time and time again.  But, learned to leave the past where it belonged.  “In the past.” By encompassing my own teachings and spiritual beliefs, the effects of self-discovery included happiness, fulfillment, clarity, and enlightenment.  It gave me confidence, self-worth, and purpose.  I had to learn to let go of people who didn’t serve a purpose in this new self-discovery.  All they did was “Take” from me.  These people took from me because I allowed them to.  In some cases, the relationships were clever in creating a one-sided road.  And, like an ass, I allowed this continue for nearly 7 LONG years.  “Thank God that relationship is done and over with.”


With this change and self-discovery came my passion within.  To begin to write, but to write with a purpose.  That is why I started “Beckie’s Mental Mess” in the first place.  Not only for my readers and follower’s but, for me to grow spiritually, and mentally accepting of my illness.  Justifiably, giving me a new beginning.  
Well, Folks.  It is time for me to close for now, and go through my ritual of settling down for the evening.  I will continue to write (Part 2) tomorrow evening.   I do hope all of you have a restful evening as well.
Take Care & God Bless,

Pink Lotus flower







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